There are two versions of myself I have spent a lot of my life trying not to become.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
The first is the young man I used to be.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
The second is the man I could have become if I had allowed everything that happened to me later in life to turn me bitter.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Those are two very different battles.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
One was about leaving behind the choices I was making.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
The other was about protecting the person I had worked so hard to become.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
And I think that second battle surprised me the most.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Because I had already changed.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
I had already spent years trying to do better, building a business, raising my children, learning new skills, and creating a life that looked nothing like the one I was heading toward when I was younger.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Then life happened.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
And suddenly, I found myself having to fight not to lose the parts of me I was finally proud of.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
I have learned that becoming a better person is not something you accomplish once.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Sometimes life tests the very things you worked the hardest to change.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
And sometimes the hardest part of growth is refusing to become somebody you already fought to leave behind.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n When my first daughter was born, I knew I needed to make changes.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I was young.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I had made bad decisions.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I had spent too much time around the wrong people, doing things that were not taking me anywhere good.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I had potential. I had interests. I had skills.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I was not using them the way I should have been.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Having my daughter changed how I looked at all of that.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Suddenly, the consequences of my decisions were not just mine anymore.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I did not want to risk missing her childhood because I was in trouble.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I did not want to spend my life doing things that could take me away from her.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I wanted to build something.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n So I started trying.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I took the things I knew how to do with computers, websites, and technology and started putting them toward something legitimate.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I started building websites.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I started trying to build a business.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n In a way, I changed my hustle.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I still had the same curiosity.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n The same drive to learn.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n The same desire to figure things out and make something happen.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But now I wanted those things to lead somewhere good.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Somewhere I could be proud of.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Somewhere my daughter could be proud of.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I did not change overnight.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I still made mistakes.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I still had a lot to learn about the people I surrounded myself with, the decisions I made, and what being responsible actually meant.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But the direction had changed.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n For the first time, I was not just trying to get through life. I was trying to build one.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n I remember a time when I was hanging out with friends at a studio.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n We were working on music.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I was helping with recording, producing, engineering, and whatever else we were playing around with that night.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I have always loved learning things, and music was another creative outlet I enjoyed.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n There was nothing particularly wrong with what we were doing.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n We were having fun.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Creating something.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Learning.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I stayed out too late.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And the next morning, I had a daddy-daughter donut event with my little girl.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I went.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Of course I went.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I was exhausted.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I remember sitting there, struggling to enjoy something I had been looking forward to because I was so tired.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n She had a great time.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I have pictures from that day.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n As far as I know, she does not remember anything being wrong.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I remember.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I remember wishing I had gone home earlier.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Wishing I had gotten more sleep.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Wishing I had been able to give that moment all of me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n It was not some enormous failure.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Nobody got hurt.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Nothing terrible happened.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But it taught me something I have carried ever since.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You can be doing something good and still make a decision that takes away from something more important.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n I did not need to stop enjoying music.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I did not need to stop spending time with friends.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I needed to start thinking more carefully about what came afterward.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That is what growth looks like sometimes.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Not some dramatic transformation.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Just realizing you could have done something better and making sure you remember it the next time.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Years later, I was in a very different place.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I had been working hard.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Building.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Learning.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Growing.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n My wife and I were creating a life together.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n We were raising our family and looking forward to the future.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n We had so much to be happy about.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Then one of the hardest periods of my life began.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n My time with one of my children changed abruptly, and the pain of that separation was unlike anything I had experienced.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n One day, I had been accustomed to seeing my child almost every day.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Then I was facing a reality where that was no longer happening.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n It broke me for a while.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not think there is a better way to describe it.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You try to pick yourself up.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Dust yourself off.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Fix your hat.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Keep going.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But some things hurt in ways you cannot simply walk off.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And as I tried to understand what was happening, I became increasingly concerned about things I believed had been said and understood about me long before I knew about them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That made everything harder.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I felt like I was fighting to be understood while trying to survive losing something that meant more to me than almost anything.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I reacted.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes badly.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Not because I had suddenly forgotten everything I had learned about being a better person.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But because I was hurting.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I was desperate to correct what I believed was wrong.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I wanted people to listen.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I wanted them to look.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I wanted them to understand.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And somewhere in all of that, I started losing sight of something important.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Even when you believe you are fighting for the right thing, you still have to be careful about the person you become while fighting for it.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n This was one of the hardest lessons for me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n There were times when I was so focused on correcting something that I did not think enough about how I was approaching people.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I wanted answers.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I wanted conversations.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But sometimes I approached people in ways that probably made honest conversations less likely.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Instead of asking someone to sit down and talk, I might confront them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Instead of calmly explaining what I was concerned about, I might let my frustration speak first.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And even when I believed I was completely justified in feeling hurt, I eventually had to recognize that my approach was not always helping.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I could see that some of my reactions were closing doors instead of opening them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That hurt to realize.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Because I was not trying to make enemies.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I was trying to be understood.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But sometimes your reaction becomes the only thing people notice.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n They do not see the pain underneath it.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n They do not see what happened before.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n They do not see the years of work you put into becoming somebody different.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n They just see the moment in front of them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Looking back, I wish I had approached some of those conversations differently.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n More respectfully.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n More patiently.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Less confrontationally.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Maybe the outcome would have been exactly the same.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I cannot know that.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But at least I could look back and say I handled myself the way I wanted to.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That matters to me now.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I used to believe very strongly in an eye for an eye.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You hurt me?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Okay.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Now watch what happens.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n It was not necessarily about hurting somebody just because I was hurting.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n It was about reacting when I believed somebody had deliberately done something wrong to me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I have learned that retaliation can disguise itself as defense.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You tell yourself you are protecting yourself.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You tell yourself you are standing up for what is right.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You tell yourself the other person started it.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And maybe they did.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But eventually you have to ask a different question.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n What am I actually accomplishing?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Is this fixing anything?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Is this protecting anybody?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Is this making the situation better?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Or am I simply making sure the other person feels some of what I felt?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Because those are not the same thing.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I think there were times when I confused the two.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I do not want to be that man anymore.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not want every hurt to require an answer.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not want every insult to require a response.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not want to spend my life proving that I can hurt somebody back.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n There are better things I can do with my time.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Better things I can build.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Better things I can give my children.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Just because you can fight back does not mean fighting back is what will move you forward.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not want to make this sound like I spent my entire adult life angry.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I did not.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n A lot of my struggles with anger were when I was a child, growing up in an environment where anger was everywhere.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n By the time I was older, I had already made tremendous progress with that.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Anger was never something I routinely directed at my children.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n In fact, they were one of the biggest reasons I kept learning patience.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But when my later trauma happened, I had reactions that were different from the way I normally handled life.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And those reactions cost me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Time.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Energy.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Focus.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Opportunities.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Some of the attention I should have been putting into my work and the things I wanted to create.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I sometimes became so focused on the situation that was hurting me that I had less room for the things that had been helping me grow.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And that is one of the things I regret.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Not simply being angry.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Anger is an emotion.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes it makes perfect sense.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But allowing anger to direct your choices can cost you far more than the moment you are angry about.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I know that now.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I think one of the most difficult realizations was understanding that even after I stopped being angry, I still had not necessarily found peace.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Those are different things.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You can stop wanting to fight.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You can stop wanting to retaliate.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You can even stop thinking about certain people with anger.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And still struggle to feel peaceful about what happened.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That is something I am still working on.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Pain changes people.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not think there is much getting around that.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n When you go through something difficult enough, you are not going to come out exactly the same.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I think there is a difference between becoming stronger and becoming harder.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Becoming harder means you start treating everything like it is going to hurt you.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Every new person becomes suspicious.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Every opportunity feels like a trap.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Every disagreement feels like another attack.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Eventually, you can become so concerned with protecting yourself that you stop allowing anything good to reach you.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not want that.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I want to be stronger.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I want to recognize warning signs.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I want to set better boundaries.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I want to be more careful about who I trust and who I allow into my life.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I still want to make friends.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Still want to connect with people.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Still want to build things with others.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Still want to be kind.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Still want to love.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not want to lose those parts of myself just because I learned that people can hurt me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n For a while, I think some of what I experienced made me harder.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But trying to find peace has started softening some of those edges again.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Not making me weaker.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Making me more comfortable with the fact that I cannot control everything.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I can be cautious without being afraid of everybody.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I can have boundaries without hating people.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I can protect myself without shutting out the world.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I want to protect my heart without turning it into something nobody can reach.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n One of the hardest patterns I have had to break is choosing the wrong people to be around.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That goes all the way back to my younger years.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I have always been curious.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Always wanted to learn.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Always wanted to try things.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I did not always surround myself with people who were good for me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes I trusted people I should not have trusted.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes I ignored things I should have paid attention to.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes I kept people around long after I should have moved on.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That took me a long time to change.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Longer than I wish it had.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I think I am finally getting much better at it.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I have learned that being a good person does not require giving everybody unlimited access to your life.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You can be kind and still have boundaries.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You can wish somebody well and still keep your distance.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You can care about people without allowing them to repeatedly hurt you.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And you can move on from a relationship without needing to turn that person into an enemy.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I wish I understood that when I was younger.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n It would have saved me a lot of trouble.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I cannot talk about the man I have become without talking about my wife.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n She has been one of the most important people in my growth.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And not because she simply agrees with everything I do.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n She does not.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That is part of why it works.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n We were friends before we were together.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n She knew me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n She saw parts of my life that other people only heard about later.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And through some of the hardest periods of my life, she has continued believing in me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But she has also challenged me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n She has told me when she thought I was reacting badly.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n She has pointed things out that I needed to see.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n She has helped me slow down and look at situations differently.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I have tried to do the same for her.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n We have always pushed each other to learn and grow.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes we would talk about something we wanted to do, and then we would just go figure out how to do it.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Years ago, we bought a house that people said we would never be able to buy.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Then we tore it down to the studs and rebuilt it ourselves.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n We learned.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n We worked.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n We figured things out together.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That is what our relationship has felt like to me in so many ways.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Building something.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Taking on something difficult.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Helping each other learn how to do it.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n She has told me that watching how I learn and grow inspired her.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But watching her do the same thing has inspired me just as much.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I have watched her learn things she did not know how to do the day before and suddenly become incredible at them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That pushes me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n It reminds me that we are capable of much more than we sometimes realize.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And through everything, we have continued trying to become better people together.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That kind of love and support is something I am incredibly grateful for.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Because there is a difference between somebody standing beside you while you make mistakes and somebody helping you become the person you want to be.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n She has done both.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n My children have taught me more about the man I want to be than I could probably ever explain.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n My oldest daughter gave me the first reason to start changing.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n My younger children have continued giving me reasons to keep growing.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And my son has given me some memories I will carry for the rest of my life.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I remember competing in cybersecurity and OSINT competitions.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes I was competing by myself against teams of multiple people.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I did well in some of them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Really well.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And my kids celebrated those moments with me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n My son once drew me a little trophy on a piece of paper.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I still think about that.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Because I was proud of what I had accomplished.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But seeing him proud of me meant something completely different.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n In another competition, my daughter and I celebrated by playing video games together.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Just having a game night.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Those moments meant more to me than the rankings.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n More than the recognition.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n More than proving I could compete with anybody.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n It was sharing something I loved with people I loved.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And seeing that they were proud of me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That is the kind of life I want.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Not one where I spend every day fighting about who I am.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n One where I get to show my children who I am through what I do.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n One where they see me create things.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Learn things.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Fail at things.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Try again.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And maybe one day do things I never thought I could do.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I want to build something they can be proud of.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Something that gives them opportunities.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Something they can learn from.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Something that reminds them their father kept trying, even when life was difficult.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not believe forgiveness is always required before you can move forward.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I know that because there are things I have struggled to forgive.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n There are people I am not ready to forgive.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n There are experiences that hurt too deeply for me to simply say everything is okay.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I do not think I should have to pretend otherwise.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I am learning that not forgiving somebody does not mean you have to stay angry with them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You do not have to retaliate.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You do not have to spend every day thinking about them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You do not even have to hate them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You can simply keep living.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Keep building.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Keep finding happiness.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Maybe one day forgiveness comes.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Maybe it does not.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I want to keep working toward it where I can.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n There are people I wish I could sit down with today and apologize to for the way I handled things.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Even people I believe hurt me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Not because I suddenly think every part of what happened was okay.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But because I can look at my own actions and recognize things I wish I had done differently.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I wish some conversations had happened with more honesty.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n More patience.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n More willingness to listen.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Maybe that would not have changed the outcome.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But it might have changed what we all carried away from it.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I think that matters.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You can acknowledge that somebody hurt you and still take responsibility for how you responded.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n That is not weakness.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That is growth.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not want to write this like I have everything figured out.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n There are things I am still working on.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Trust is a big one.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Being too hard on myself is another.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I can look back at something that happened years ago and think about all the ways I could have handled it differently.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes I remember a conversation or an odd comment from years before and wonder whether I missed something important.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Could I have asked another question?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Could I have recognized something sooner?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Could I have prevented something?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Could I have protected somebody better?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I can spend a lot of time thinking about those things.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Too much time sometimes.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I have learned that constantly looking backward can make it harder to decide what you are going to do next.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You become so focused on what you should have done that you stop making room for what you can still do.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I am trying to change that.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n There have been periods in my life when I was not the person I wanted to be.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n There have been setbacks.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Times I regressed.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Times I struggled more than I expected.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But when I look at the last ten years, and especially the last few, I can see how far I have come.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I may not be where I would have been if everything had gone differently.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I am proud of where I am despite what I have been through.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I do not think there has ever been a version of myself I have been more proud of than the person I am today.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Not because I am finished.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Because I know how much work it took to get here.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n If a younger man came to me filled with anger, wanting to get even with people who hurt him, I think I would ask him two questions.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n What does that get them?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And what does that get you?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Really think about it.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Let’s say you retaliate.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Let’s say everything goes exactly the way you want.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You hurt the person who hurt you.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You get the last word.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n You make them feel what you felt.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Now what?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Did that solve the original problem?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Did it bring back what you lost?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Did it repair the relationship?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Did it protect the people you love?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Did it make tomorrow any better?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Or did it just create another problem you now have to deal with?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That is something I wish I had understood earlier.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Retaliation can feel incredibly justified when you believe you are in the right.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Especially when you are hurting.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Especially when somebody you love is hurting.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But feeling justified does not mean you are making a good decision.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes the stronger thing is doing nothing right then.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Not forever.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Not ignoring real problems.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Just refusing to let pain make the decision for you.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Give yourself time.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Think.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Look at what you actually want to accomplish.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And then choose the action that helps you get there.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes that action is standing up and speaking.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes it is getting help.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Sometimes it is setting a boundary.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And sometimes it is walking away.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Do not confuse getting even with getting better.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n Those are two very different directions.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I do not need my children to remember me as perfect.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n They will not.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I am not.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I hope they remember how much I loved them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n How much I played with them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n How often I tried to be there.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n How I listened.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n How I encouraged them to think for themselves.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n How I tried to help them become the people they wanted to be instead of forcing them to become who I thought they should be.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I hope they remember that when life got difficult, I did not simply give up.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Maybe I stumbled.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Maybe I fell.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Maybe I needed time to get back up.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I kept trying.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I hope they understand that I never looked at my mistakes and simply decided they were good enough.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I kept working on them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Kept learning.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Kept trying to do better.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I hope my children grow into people who accomplish things I never could.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I hope they are kinder than me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Wiser than me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n More patient.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n More successful in whatever matters to them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I hope they build lives that make them happy.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And if I can help give them the foundation for that, I will consider that one of the greatest accomplishments of my life.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n When I think about the two versions of myself, the one I could have become and the one I am still becoming, I do not see two completely different people.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I see the same person standing at different places.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n One is struggling.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Maybe angry.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Maybe lost.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Maybe making decisions that are going to hurt him later.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n The other has learned some things.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n He has been knocked down.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n He has gotten back up.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n He is still imperfect.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Still figuring things out.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But he is trying to build something good.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n If I could sit those two men across from each other, I would want them to learn from each other.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I would want the struggling one to look across the table and see that things can get better.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That he is not destined to remain where he is.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n That the mistakes he made do not have to become his entire life.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I would want the man doing better to look across the table and remember.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Remember where he came from.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Remember the roads he does not want to travel again.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Remember how easily things can go in the wrong direction when you stop paying attention to your choices.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Remember why he started trying in the first place.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Because in a lot of ways, I live with both of those men.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I know who I used to be.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I know the road I was heading down.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I have seen how pain can tempt a person to head back toward places they worked hard to escape.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I still do not know exactly how to become every part of the man I hope to be.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I am figuring that out as I go.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I know something important.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I know the kind of man I refuse to become.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n I refuse to become somebody who hurts people simply because he was hurt.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I refuse to become somebody who lets bitterness decide his future.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I refuse to stop loving people because loving people sometimes hurts.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I refuse to stop building because life has knocked things down.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And I refuse to let my children look back and remember a father who gave up on himself.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I cannot promise I will never make another mistake.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I cannot promise life will never hurt again.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n I cannot promise I will always handle everything perfectly.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n But I can promise myself that I will keep trying.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Keep learning.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Keep loving.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Keep building.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n And keep choosing the direction I want my life to go.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n Because the kind of man I refused to become is not nearly as important as the man I am still working to be.<\/strong><\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" There are two versions of myself I have spent a lot of my life trying not to become. The first is the young man I used to be.\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":48,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"iawp_total_views":5,"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-49","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-growth-rebuilding"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshuazaleski.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshuazaleski.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshuazaleski.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshuazaleski.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshuazaleski.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=49"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/joshuazaleski.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":50,"href":"https:\/\/joshuazaleski.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49\/revisions\/50"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshuazaleski.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/48"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/joshuazaleski.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=49"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshuazaleski.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=49"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joshuazaleski.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=49"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}The first man I refused to become<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
Sometimes the smallest moments teach you the biggest lessons<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
Then life tested everything I had been building<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
Being right does not mean every reaction is right<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
There is a difference between defending yourself and retaliating<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
Anger cost me more than I realized<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
Becoming stronger is not the same as becoming harder<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
The people you surround yourself with matter<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
My wife showed me another kind of strength<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
My children keep reminding me what matters<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
Forgiveness and peace are not the same thing<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
I am still working on myself<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
What I would tell someone who wants to get even<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
The man I hope my children remember<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
The two men I carry with me<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n